After my high school boyfriend broke my 16 year old heart, I began writing down things that I would look for in a future husband, entitled “You.” I told myself that unless a guy could check all of the boxes, I wouldn’t even consider him. I began thinking of characteristics I wanted my future spouse to have. Of course some things were more obvious than others, such as wanting a man that was undoubtedly kind. One that was the same level of kindness with or without me around. I wanted to be able to leave a room and have confidence that my man wasn’t going to do anything that I’d have to apologize for later and end up feeling ashamed. I wanted a guy that would respect me, respect my yeses and my no’s, respect my mind, body, and emotions. I was looking for someone that would put me on a pedistool and treat me like a queen. I began to tire of trying to make my last boyfriend into a better man than he actually was. So I told myself, I would not be entering into a relationship in which I felt the need to fix him, and make him into something he wasn’t. I wanted to find someone that had the same goals in life as me. It was highly important to me that I found someone that was as highly driven as myself, someone that could have a good time but not get carried away with life’s temptations of drugs, alcohol and the entertainment this world has so much to offer. Goals that included helping mold each other into the people we had the potential to be, rather than encouraging complacency. I wanted to find someone that loved me for my faults but encouraged me to be better without shaming me for my many mistakes. I hoped that we could do this together in order to help each other achieve our ultimate goal of heaven. I battled loneliness for years due to life’s circumstances and hoped that I’d be able to find someone that would put me above himself, even when it hurt to do so. I wanted to meet someone that I could bring home and say, “This is him, I’m so excited for you to meet him. You’ll love him just as I do.” I didn’t want to have to worry that he would come across as rude or use the excuse of, “you just don’t know him like I do.” I wanted to be proud of who I was bringing home and proud of who I was choosing to spend my life with. I love to laugh and be around people that love to do the same, so I hoped so dearly that I would meet someone that I could just laugh with. Someone that would find my little corks cute and funny and someone I could make jokes with. It’s so important in life to have someone you can laugh with, because life also comes with a lot of hardships and if we can’t find joy in the small things in life, where can we find it? I wanted to find someone that had similar interests as me or at least a willingness to try new things. We didn’t necessarily need to have everything in common but at least be able to go enjoy outdoor adventures together and explore the world together, but also be able to just present with each other and find complete contentment in that itself. I’ve found it to be so easy to love people for where you want them to be and not where they are. Which is why it is so important to really look at a person and make sure that these qualities I loved so much about them now and the heart of who they were would remain the same in the years to come. I prayed that I’d find someone that would be a devout and gracious husband and some time down the line, a wonderful, playful, and dedicated father. I hoped to find someone that would show me love with the most appropriate and gracious affection. Someone that would hold my hand and make me feel safe, rub my back and tell me everything was going to be okay, kiss my forehead and tell me how beautiful I am, inside and out. I wanted a loyal man, someone that was so truly honest in everything he said and did and lived his life in a respectable manner. I dated people in the past that couldn’t quite understand the hardships I had been through and not only that, but didn’t know what to say or how to say it in times of duress. I hoped that I would meet someone that maybe hadn’t experienced the same level of hardships but could appreciate what I had been through and just be there with me through my best and worst days all the same. I didn’t want to be embarrassed of my significant other and his behavior towards other women. I hoped that my man would only talk about me in such a manner that was kind, pure, lovely and true. I wanted to meet a man that has such a hard work ethic. One that would always be jumping up to help in whatever way he could. I am a busy bee myself and don’t think I could ever be with someone that was content with laziness. It was important to me that he have a strong work ethic. Even though all of those things were extremely important to me, what mattered most is that he loved the Lord with all of his heart. Now of course, I didn’t just come up with this whole list on the spot but over the past eight or so years, I have adjusted my list and added things to it. The older I got, I realized how important certain things were and how less important other things were.

I craved to be chosen, to be so important to someone one day, so much it hurt. It was a battle I faced for many years. I had to learn to become independent at a much younger age than most. I learned that even the people you love the most and hold the highest in your mind have the ability to let you down and hurt you, not intentionally, but we are all human. God taught me over the years that He and He only could be what I was looking for and until I found my fulfillment in Him, I would never be content. I truly believe with all of my heart that God has been working on me, especially over the past 10 years to help mold me into who I am today. His timing is perfect. I was hurt by a lot of men before I came to be where I am today. I made choices that I’m not proud of in order to feel wanted, even if it was brief. God taught me that His love is everlasting. It was only when I really came to realize that, that I stumbled upon you. You check every box and are more than what a list can contain. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about who you and are and how much you make me feel loved, adored, and cherished. You are more than I could ever ask for and I am thankful for every guy that ever broke my heart because it led me to you. I wish so badly that I hadn’t had to have gone through the years of heartache that I did, but I’m grateful that God used those years to help mold me into who I am today. Who I am today is somebody so grateful for how you love me and how you make me feel. I hope that I too can be all of the things you are for me and then some because you deserve nothing less.

It’s YOU, Logan Michael Misevicz.

I hate admitting to people what I am insecure about. It’s extremely vulnerable to me, because in my mind, it is exposing my weakness to people who can potentially use it against me one day. It’s admitting I am human and have faults, instead of being able to continue this facade that I am invincible and nothing can touch me. But the older I have gotten, and the more experiences I have had, the more I’ve realized, telling people my insecurities isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength and awareness. Sometimes seeing our own faults is a lot harder than seeing other peoples because we have a jaded opinion of ourselves. Kind of like, if I were to start dating someone who didn’t treat me right, others can see how unhealthy that relationship is more clearly/quickly than I can, being the one so caught up in it.

All that to say, I am about to tell you a little story about me coming head on with one of my biggest insecurities. That being, my intelligence. I want people to think I am funny, and kind, and beautiful, but I definitely put more emphasis on what people think of my intelligence. This wasn’t always an insecurity for me, but as most are, it was a series of events that contributed to this over time, growing that terrible weed into something I have begun to care too much about. I grew up in an extremely small town, and in small towns, it’s easy to believe you’re extremely talented due to the small pool of people you’re competing with. So I was hit with this huge brick, when I went to college and learned I couldn’t write very well. My professor continued to give me D’s On all of my papers that I worked very hard to write. I would stay after class and talk to her about how I could improve my writing, and she continued to tell me that I wrote like I was talking, and I thought, “well, what’s wrong with that?” But I worked harder, stayed up late rewriting numerous papers, and finished that class with an A. The next time I faced a situation like this wasn’t until the next year, when I was taking pre-nursing courses that were required before I could apply to nursing school. I am pretty sure this course was health assessment, and I continued to make 50’s on all of my exams, no matter how hard I studied. I can remember being at a dear friend of mine’s on fall break crying at her table, saying, “I think I need to switch majors, because I don’t think I’m smart enough to be a nurse.” But I went back to school and studied my butt off. I worked harder to get better grades, I took it to the extreme, missing numerous social events for the next few years to prove to myself that I was smart enough to be a nurse. I chose to quit my social club to invest more time in my studies, I would miss out on trips with friends so I could stay back and study. I’d feel guilty if I would take breaks to be with friends, with the constant thought in the back of my head, that I needed to get back and attribute more time to my studies. And it paid off, I ended up finishing nursing school with a 4.0 and got a job as a new graduate nurse at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. I made a lot of mistakes in my first few years as a nurse, as most do, but I became extremely competent at Vandy’s way of being a nurse, and would have considered myself to be a good nurse. So I haven’t struggled with this insecurity for a while now, until the other night. It came creeping back up, like a monster in a child’s nightmare. Like I said in my previous post, I have recently pursued travel nursing, and this has been one of the most humbling experiences.I have had thus far in my life. I chose to put myself in a position where I constantly feel incompetent, like a new grad nurse again in some ways. But I thought I was making leeway until the other night. I had a patient with a blood glucose of 43, which for those of you not in the medical field, this level is extremely low. I went to talk to the doctor about putting this patient on some type of D10 drip or at least give him another medication to boost his blood glucose. This doctor asked why I hadn’t given the medication that he had already ordered. I proceeded to tell him that I didn’t see he had ordered any medication, but that I would go back and recheck. Sure enough, no new medication orders were on my eMAR, prompting me to give this medication. It turns out, pharmacy had cancelled the doctors orders and put it in differently, so it wasn’t prompting me to give the medication, even though technically it was there for me to give. It was an error in the computer system, so both the doctor and I weren’t understanding what the other person was trying to say. Which, all and all, shouldn’t be a big deal, because the most important thing at hand is resolving this issue, to do what’s best for the patient in that moment. But what could have been an easy fix, turned into another doctor overhearing this conversation between me and my patients primary doctor, and proceeding to interject himself into the situation pretty aggressively and practically tell me that it’s not problem with the way the other doctor ordered the medication, but rather “a problem of a lack of education of the nurses.” He not only said this to me but said it to me in front of 5 other doctors. Ohhh did my blood start to boil. After asking the charge nurse to help me explain the situation, I said, “it’s not a lack of education that’s the problem here,” and I walked away with tears filling my eyes. I was so upset in that moment, thinking, “how dare he question my intelligence?” When in all reality, this situation has more to do with their 1800 computer system and less to deal with my ability to be a proficient nurse. After several other nurses came to my rescue and helped me explain the problem to the doctor, he did come over and sincerely apologize to me, explaining that he was more frustrated with the continual problems with pharmacy and medications being on back order and less frustrated with me. He told me he thought I was an excellent nurse and didn’t mean to insult me, which was appreciated. But ultimately, it shouldn’t matter whether or not that doctor thinks I am the world’s biggest idiot, or the most proficient nurse in the country. I realized I have been carrying too much weight on others opinions of me, especially in the medical field. I take my job very seriously, and when my competence as a nurse comes to question, I become extremely offended. But how perfect is God’s timing? Because a few days later, after a run of shifts, I sat down and listened to a podcast by Judah Smith, who reminded me that “it doesn’t really matter.” Ecclesiastes teaches us that in this life, unless we are pursuing the treasures and values that God desires us to pursue, we’re just chasing the wind. I have been chasing the wind, hoping to prove to others, and to myself that I am capable. I am intelligent. I am the nurse you want in a crisis. But that’s a lot of “I’s” and lot less of Him, which might just be my problem. No wonder I am exhausted, trying to uphold this image of being deemed capable or intelligent is exhausting and it’s putting a lot of weight in things that ultimately don’t matter. My 4.0 doesn’t go to heaven with me, but my soul does. Proverbs 4 talks about guarding your heart, because everything you do flows from it. My actions have showed that my heart is filled with pride and not with humility. It’s hard not to get upset when someone questions something I’ve worked so hard to achieve but it’s time, I take a step back and truly think about who’s opinion of me matters and make sure I am pursuing the types of values that can help me get to where I want to ultimately end up.

Why is it that the first ten minutes of every new situation seem to be the scariest? I honestly think that is where Eminem gathered the lyrics for the song, Lose Yourself. He paints this picture with his lyrics of a dude scared to death of the unknown, fearing the worst…..his palms begin to sweat….trying to look calm on the surface but actually his mom’s spaghetti is spewing everywhere. These are the moments I see the most growth in myself. It pushes me so far out of my comfort zone to the point of nausea. Gosh, my stomach is doing flips right now just trying to capture this feeling. It’s the first ten minutes of anything new. It’s a first date. It’s a job interview. It’s meeting new people. It’s walking into a new church. It’s this thrill that I hate and yet live for at the same time. I love proving to myself, “you can do this.” Nobody wants to be that new person scared crapless in a group full of people who knows where their place is and what they’re doing. It is human nature to want to be the best at everything we do from the very beginning. But what if these many “first ten minutes” are there for a reason? What if we looked at our heart racing as a blessing that God created us to have protective mechanisms built into our bodies that are helping to prepare us for the challenge that lies ahead of us?

It’s the months, weeks, days, and hours that lie before the first ten minutes that might actually be worse than the event itself. Why is that? Because we create an entire narrative of what it will be like before we even catch a glimpse of reality. I’ve begun reading, “The Subtile Art of Not Giving an F,” and I have to say, I am learning A LOT. People who are confident, don’t have to look in the mirror and say to themselves, “I am confident.” They just are. So why do we make up this multiple scenarios of possible negative situations we might encounter on these “firsts?” Instead, what if we walked into every one of these situations with our head held high and acknowledged that, “hey I am human, and I’m going to mess up, because the only thing I am actually perfect at, is being imperfect, but I will do the very best I can.” But we can all say that, right? And you’re probably thinking, “right AM, show me what that actually looks like.” Sure, sure, please allow me…So I began this thing called travel nursing. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s pretty simple, it means I am nuts and have decided to move cities and travel across the country 13 weeks at a time and attempt to be sufficient at being an ER nurse in all of those different places. Maybe somebody should have explained it that way to me first and I wouldn’t have thought I had the capability to do this after all. Anyways, yesterday was my first day at Doctor’s Hospital in Augusta, Georgia and I walked into that ER with my head held high and pretended to have a hint of a clue as to what was going on. Found my preceptor, and went to work. One of my first patients, was this twenty something year old female with flu like symptoms, so low and behold, the PA orders an influenza swab on her. I walk in there and explain to her, I’ll have to swab both of her nares in order to test her for the flu, and although, it may be uncomfortable, I will make it as quick and painless as possible. She says okay and on we go. Or on I attempted to try. After that conversation, I thought we were on the same page, but twenty minutes later, this girl is crying hysterically, grabbing at my wrist and stopping me from actually entering her nares with my swab and moving her head so that even Jackie Chan himself couldn’t swab this chicks nares. I finally get who knows what on that swab and leave the curtain area feeling quite defeated. I send off the swab and sit down at my desk to chart when the PA comes up to me and says, “Were you able to flu swab that girl?” And I said, “well…..in all honestly, it was a struggle.” And he says, “I mean, yeah, we all heard.” I said, “Oh no, you did?” He said, “I think everyone did.” Haha and then walks away. The guy probably thinks I am incompetent and pretty sucky at my job but you know what? I’d like to see that guy try to flu swab that girl. MOVING ON. If we spend our whole lives, trying to get everyone to see things from our perspective, we’ll die trying. I’d rather die knowing I did the very best I could do at everything I set my heart on and die content.

The first ten minutes suck, they just do. But the more we immerse ourselves in those uncomfortable situations, the less uncomfortable they will become because we have seen the worst that could happen and we’re all still alive to tell the stories. I’ve had dates go so terribly wrong that I would have paid the dude myself to take it all back. And yet, here I am, still single, but one heck of a lot less awkward of a human being than if I had married the dude. The more we can look at situations for what they are instead of what we make them up to be in our head, I think we’ll find that our own brain is what creates the scariest scenario. If I can pass out on my first day of my career, bonk heads with a dude I was trying to hug when he thought I was trying to kiss him, then you can do whatever lies ahead of you. Trust me.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton