What is Gain?

As I was running this morning, feeling the cool crisp air flowing through my lungs, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “all I have to do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other until it’s over.” I love the idea of running, but as soon as I get about a mile into my runs, my lungs begin to burn and my aching knees remind me of multiple falls in years past while learning how to be a decent skier. But the freedom and space that running gives my brain…there’s nothing in the world like it. It allows me to physically push through the pain that I’m currently enduring, while also attempting to work out the pain in my heart. I felt silly thinking to myself that running was the exact analogy of the hardships I’m currently facing, yet those were the thoughts running through my head as I ran the trail. That internal battle I faced with myself of whether or not to just give up is how I’ve felt the past few weeks in life. I’ve wondered what exactly I’m running towards and felt the reminders of the pain along the way. And just when I started feeling like I was beginning to set my own pace and numb my body from its screaming aches was when the wind picked up, adding an additional challenge to my already out of shape body attempting to pick up running again. The wind was like a symbol of every bad thing that’s happened over the past few weeks on top of the already struggle that things were to begin with. It was the ticket on our car saying we parked where we shouldn’t have and had to pay however much. It was the stranger that broke into my vehicle for a small bag, costing us hundreds of dollars, making me feel unsafe in my own neighborhood. It was dealing with the disappointment of the people I expected to be there for me when I’m at my worst and they don’t show up. It was peoples attempts to be encouraging when in all reality, it just made me feel worse about myself. And to be honest, I’ve been in a complete state of feeling sorry for myself over the past few weeks. I didn’t even realize this until I expressed these feelings to a friend, telling her I felt like I lost all purpose in my life since Logan and I both lost our jobs. I hadn’t realized just how much weight I put in what I did as an occupation and let it define who I am as a person. People would ask what I did for a living and I’d respond,“I am a nurse.” It was literally how I defined myself. When a family member asked if I had a plan B, I realized I didn’t because I had never even thought of the possibility of losing my job when I chose healthcare as my profession. I thought that was the wisest decision I could have made. It’s actually a big part of the reason I didn’t go to school to be a teacher. Because I chose work in something that could pay the bills, pay back my student loans, give me the reassurance of work that I so highly desired.

I don’t do well feeling unproductive. I can remember calling my family crying during my first year as a nurse, because I went from studying every single day, taking multiple exams, and going to weekly clinicals to working three days a week and having four days off, not knowing what to do with myself. It was during that year that I decided I wouldn’t sit at home and deal with what felt like unproductivity. So I began volunteering at a clinic every other week, I joined a small group that met once a week, I joined a workout group and went as many days as I had off, I read books and listened to podcasts then discussed them with neighbors, we had weekly get togethers with our neighborhood friends, and so much more. I was busy. I like to be busy. I’ve realized when I’m not feeling productive or useful, I feel like I have no purpose. Which is why I loved nursing so much, especially in the ER. It made feel needed, busy, productive, satisfied. So when I told this friend this, she responded and said, “purpose isn’t your career, that’s just what you do. Purpose is being true to who you are called to be…a Christian, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, regardless of life’s circumstances.” That hit me like somebody just physically knocked the wind out of me. I began really thinking that over and meanwhile, Logan and I were listening to a sermon this morning that brought up 1 Timothy 6:6-10, which says “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” Paul says that Godliness is not a means to financial gain. Literally everything I’m craving is of this world. I can’t take my job into heaven with me. I can’t take productivity to heaven with me. I can’t take the money I earn or the things I choose to spend it on to heaven with me. So why am I not just grateful that God has given me my daily bread and cared for me the way he cares for the lilies of the field and of how much more value are we than they? I’ve been the furthest thing from content these past few weeks. I’ve been antsy, angry, anxious and even depressed. It’s a little scary how taking away just one element of my life has shook my world. I can’t help but think there’s a reason for that. Maybe had I not lost my job, I would never have realized the weight I put on my occupation and what that meant for my worth. The preacher went on to explain contentment is when we’re pursuing God wholeheartedly, it becomes so much more than cussing less or wearing more modest clothes and turns into this beautiful relationship with a loving father that sees us for exactly who we are and CHOOSES TO LOVE US. That’s contentment. And ultimately, that is gain.

Paul goes on to say in verse 11, to fight the good fight of faith. And if this isn’t the fight of faith, I don’t know what is. It’s choosing to believe that God is doing so much work in my heart that was not only needed but necessary. It’s choosing to believe that even when I don’t see it, God, you’re working. You are our way maker, our miracle worker, our promise keeper and light in this darkness. A song that every time I hear, I can’t help but cry. And I’ve been singing that song in a way that I never have before because it’s taken on a whole new meaning in my life. I hope that God himself can take on a new meaning in my life through this and I truly do hope I’m not the same after all of this. I hope that whether I find work tomorrow or in a year from now, that I realize the importance of what is right in front of me, just yearning to have a relationship with me and for me to seek Him like never before, trusting in His plan for my life like Jeremiah 29:11 says. He has plans for us to prosper, not to harm us. Let this season of my life be a lesson I never forget and one I hope you can take away from this too. If everything I cherish today is stripped away from me, will I be okay with what’s left? I came into this world with nothing and I’ll leave with nothing except a bigger heart for Jesus and a realization that I am not defined by my ability to contribute to society or my productivity. I AM a child of God. I’m no longer a slave to sin. That’s gain my friends. That is gain.