Chasing the Wind.

I hate admitting to people what I am insecure about. It’s extremely vulnerable to me, because in my mind, it is exposing my weakness to people who can potentially use it against me one day. It’s admitting I am human and have faults, instead of being able to continue this facade that I am invincible and nothing can touch me. But the older I have gotten, and the more experiences I have had, the more I’ve realized, telling people my insecurities isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength and awareness. Sometimes seeing our own faults is a lot harder than seeing other peoples because we have a jaded opinion of ourselves. Kind of like, if I were to start dating someone who didn’t treat me right, others can see how unhealthy that relationship is more clearly/quickly than I can, being the one so caught up in it.

All that to say, I am about to tell you a little story about me coming head on with one of my biggest insecurities. That being, my intelligence. I want people to think I am funny, and kind, and beautiful, but I definitely put more emphasis on what people think of my intelligence. This wasn’t always an insecurity for me, but as most are, it was a series of events that contributed to this over time, growing that terrible weed into something I have begun to care too much about. I grew up in an extremely small town, and in small towns, it’s easy to believe you’re extremely talented due to the small pool of people you’re competing with. So I was hit with this huge brick, when I went to college and learned I couldn’t write very well. My professor continued to give me D’s On all of my papers that I worked very hard to write. I would stay after class and talk to her about how I could improve my writing, and she continued to tell me that I wrote like I was talking, and I thought, “well, what’s wrong with that?” But I worked harder, stayed up late rewriting numerous papers, and finished that class with an A. The next time I faced a situation like this wasn’t until the next year, when I was taking pre-nursing courses that were required before I could apply to nursing school. I am pretty sure this course was health assessment, and I continued to make 50’s on all of my exams, no matter how hard I studied. I can remember being at a dear friend of mine’s on fall break crying at her table, saying, “I think I need to switch majors, because I don’t think I’m smart enough to be a nurse.” But I went back to school and studied my butt off. I worked harder to get better grades, I took it to the extreme, missing numerous social events for the next few years to prove to myself that I was smart enough to be a nurse. I chose to quit my social club to invest more time in my studies, I would miss out on trips with friends so I could stay back and study. I’d feel guilty if I would take breaks to be with friends, with the constant thought in the back of my head, that I needed to get back and attribute more time to my studies. And it paid off, I ended up finishing nursing school with a 4.0 and got a job as a new graduate nurse at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. I made a lot of mistakes in my first few years as a nurse, as most do, but I became extremely competent at Vandy’s way of being a nurse, and would have considered myself to be a good nurse. So I haven’t struggled with this insecurity for a while now, until the other night. It came creeping back up, like a monster in a child’s nightmare. Like I said in my previous post, I have recently pursued travel nursing, and this has been one of the most humbling experiences.I have had thus far in my life. I chose to put myself in a position where I constantly feel incompetent, like a new grad nurse again in some ways. But I thought I was making leeway until the other night. I had a patient with a blood glucose of 43, which for those of you not in the medical field, this level is extremely low. I went to talk to the doctor about putting this patient on some type of D10 drip or at least give him another medication to boost his blood glucose. This doctor asked why I hadn’t given the medication that he had already ordered. I proceeded to tell him that I didn’t see he had ordered any medication, but that I would go back and recheck. Sure enough, no new medication orders were on my eMAR, prompting me to give this medication. It turns out, pharmacy had cancelled the doctors orders and put it in differently, so it wasn’t prompting me to give the medication, even though technically it was there for me to give. It was an error in the computer system, so both the doctor and I weren’t understanding what the other person was trying to say. Which, all and all, shouldn’t be a big deal, because the most important thing at hand is resolving this issue, to do what’s best for the patient in that moment. But what could have been an easy fix, turned into another doctor overhearing this conversation between me and my patients primary doctor, and proceeding to interject himself into the situation pretty aggressively and practically tell me that it’s not problem with the way the other doctor ordered the medication, but rather “a problem of a lack of education of the nurses.” He not only said this to me but said it to me in front of 5 other doctors. Ohhh did my blood start to boil. After asking the charge nurse to help me explain the situation, I said, “it’s not a lack of education that’s the problem here,” and I walked away with tears filling my eyes. I was so upset in that moment, thinking, “how dare he question my intelligence?” When in all reality, this situation has more to do with their 1800 computer system and less to deal with my ability to be a proficient nurse. After several other nurses came to my rescue and helped me explain the problem to the doctor, he did come over and sincerely apologize to me, explaining that he was more frustrated with the continual problems with pharmacy and medications being on back order and less frustrated with me. He told me he thought I was an excellent nurse and didn’t mean to insult me, which was appreciated. But ultimately, it shouldn’t matter whether or not that doctor thinks I am the world’s biggest idiot, or the most proficient nurse in the country. I realized I have been carrying too much weight on others opinions of me, especially in the medical field. I take my job very seriously, and when my competence as a nurse comes to question, I become extremely offended. But how perfect is God’s timing? Because a few days later, after a run of shifts, I sat down and listened to a podcast by Judah Smith, who reminded me that “it doesn’t really matter.” Ecclesiastes teaches us that in this life, unless we are pursuing the treasures and values that God desires us to pursue, we’re just chasing the wind. I have been chasing the wind, hoping to prove to others, and to myself that I am capable. I am intelligent. I am the nurse you want in a crisis. But that’s a lot of “I’s” and lot less of Him, which might just be my problem. No wonder I am exhausted, trying to uphold this image of being deemed capable or intelligent is exhausting and it’s putting a lot of weight in things that ultimately don’t matter. My 4.0 doesn’t go to heaven with me, but my soul does. Proverbs 4 talks about guarding your heart, because everything you do flows from it. My actions have showed that my heart is filled with pride and not with humility. It’s hard not to get upset when someone questions something I’ve worked so hard to achieve but it’s time, I take a step back and truly think about who’s opinion of me matters and make sure I am pursuing the types of values that can help me get to where I want to ultimately end up.